Sunday, February 29, 2004


A few years back, there was a humor record that received lots of play on country radio: HERE'S YOUR SIGN. It was a song about stupid people who should be required to wear a sign warning others of their stupidity. This thought dawned on me today as I was making my lunch (ham and cheese with Miracle Whip). On the wrapper of the individually wrapped slices of pasteurized, processed cheese product was the instruction to "open here." I'm convinced that some dumbass sent a letter to Kraft complaining that they didn't know HOW to take the plastic off of the fake cheese. Or the more likely scenario is that someone didn't open it right, accidentally swallowed some of the plastic, and sued Kraft. (Even though the actual cheese-like product might be VERY close to plastic itself, chemically speaking.)

I thought this over, let it pass, until I was brushing my teeth. THE TOOTHPASTE TUBE HAS INSTRUCTIONS!!!! Lucky for me, though, turns out I had been doing it right all along.

Before you run to your bathroom and check your toothpaste, one quick question for a survey that serves no purpose than to entertain us: how many of you know that toothpaste comes with instructions?

And I'll end this post by saying that I received THE neatest gift over the weekend: an alarm clock that projects the time on the wall, ceiling, etc. It's the BEST! I had often lusted over this particular piece of timekeeping equipment after seeing it in the "Sharper Image" section of the AirMall catalog in airplanes. Not only does it show the time, but you never have to set it! Just select your time zone, and every night, it stealthily receives a secret signal from somewhere in Colorado, which reports the time as calculated by a certain number of vibrations from a radioactive element. Or something. Apparently, there is a group of scientists who do nothing but count these vibrations and then announce, "yep, boys, that's a minute."

Lest you assume that this is some sort of luxury I bestow on myself, let there be no mistake. This is a necessary tool for me. You see, I keep my long-time alarm clock out of reach so I won't be attempted to continue striking the snooze button. The downside is that without my glasses, I can't see that alarm clock if I wake up during the night. So, it's an "Americans with Disabilities Act" issue to me. If I wake up during my sleep now, all I have to do is look at the ceiling.

Why didn't I think of this??? The next neat thing I want is that device that will flash caller ID information on your television. I'm going to wait, though, until I get a home phone. I have not yet done that since I have cable modem and a cell phone with unlimited weekend minutes. Perhaps a few years from now....


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Blogger prince steve said...

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